The retail world has turned my already sour-pussness into full blow asshole mode. The first problem is i take everything to heart and so when a customer gets mad it feels as bad as the "parents-are-disappointed" speech. The second problem is people are just rude. Never in my life could i have dreamed up some of the things that have been spewed at me. I would NEVER walk into a store and just take all my stress out on some innocent worker. i will admit that having worked retail i am now nicer x 5 to all of the people that help me when im shopping somewhere, but never once in my past was i beligerent or snide to a worker.
Anyway, my point is that i am now a cynical old bastard that shakes his walking stick in disgust. i don't expect good things from people anymore. In fact, everytime the phone rings i expect to be yelled at. They say that the midwest actually contains the nicest people- if that is the case i dont think my heart could stand to live anywhere else in fear of being completely shattered.
The funny thing is that people always comment on how they like (or dont like) my "i dont give a crap" attitude. The truth is i do give a crap...i give a very big crap in fact! Despite giving a big crap (okay this metephor is getting kind of gross...) i have managed to put up quite the defensive wall in which i have perfected my "dont screw with me" glare and my "dont talk to me" walk... BUUUUUT this is also why i dont have many friends ( or a boyfriend...)
One day i hope that someone will be able to see through this facade and be like "holy shit, she really does give a huge metaphorical crap!" But alas....here i sit on my cynical throne of aloneness.
It doesnt help that i am pretty insecure and get all of my lifes validation through what other assholes think of me.
Sometimes i catch myself daydreaming of what it would be like to live in Washington by myself and whether i could handle being that far away from family or anyone i knew. I wold love to do this but i dont think i could handle it unless i by some miracle sprouted confidence and could make friends. I also wish i could move to England but that would lead to a meltdown for sure because then i would NEVER be able to come back and visit family...unless i married some rich lord or duke or londoner.
so im not really the type to set new years resolutions but i do want to coincidentally start working on things around the same time the calander starts anew...
- i (obviously) want to lose weight and eat better
- i want to wake up just a little bit earlier to do my hair instead of just being lazy.
- i also want to work on going out more....but i dont like going out because im too insecure...its allll connected.
- i want to get into my grad program so i need to get this freaking GRE out of the way
I find myself getting annoyed with overly happy people. I need to take a step back and just be like bro, chill out, they have more endorphins and seratonin than you, just let them be.
I'm glad that i was born deficient. Im also glad that i was born like this in a world that has stigmatized the whole freaking thing. either depression is made out to be a cutsey indie movie or its made out to be a psycho murder/suicide movie.
C'est la vie, mofos.
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