I absolutely love my job. I get to take care of 35 dogs who would have otherwise been euthanized. I feel fulfilled every day and the dogs show how much more faith they have in humanity than I do. It has been really hard making friends here, though. People here are very cliquish and pretty closed off to new people but i am slowllllly working my way in.
Living situation is pretty much not stellar but then again i just don't do well living with other people.
Today I had to go to St. George to see my allergist and it was a surprisingly upsetting trip. He told me things that my other allergist had failed to mention, like my thyroid is going to crap out on me in about five years and my meds make me hungry all of the time.
The fact that my meds make me hungry all of the time is such a huge relief and such a huge disappointment at the same time. It is a relief because now i know im not fucking crazy and i am actually hungry all of the time instead of me just being fat and wanting food irrationally. there is a reason! but it is so extremely upsetting because it makes losing weight that much harder and i know that is why i have always lost motivation in the past. i kind of feel defeated. i know its not an excuse to be fat but now i feel like my uphill battle just became an uphill mudslide battle.
THEN my allergist totally called me out on my OCD. He saw me picking at my fingers and goes "you know thats OCD, right?" and while I did know that, I just felt it was so alarming to have it pointed out to me by a fucking allergist.
Anyway, I watched this documentary today about the FLDS polygamist group in Colorado City, AZ and how messed up it is and how the kids and women try to escape but Warren Jeffs has them by the throat even from his prison cell. On my way to St. George I had to drive through Colorado City and it was so eerie and depressing. The place is a huge dump because all of their money goes to the church. it just made me realize how lucky i am to have grown up in a "normal" situation that didn't lend itself to some traumatizing PTSD type shit.
i have it so so so good but yet i'm never satisfied.However, right now i'm just so content with the fact that i love my job that everything else is taking a back seat. its just a relief knowing that i'm doing what i love and i'm helping out in my small, tiny way.
I still find myself grossly hateful of people for how they treat animals. I understand that animals don't hold an elevated status in everyone's life but for fuck sake what is the point in abusing a helpless creature? It is even more disgusting because humans selfishly engineered dogs to be biologically obsessed and dependent on humans and this is how we repay their loyalty and kindness.
im not even going to go further than that because i work myself up too easily. i just wish other people could see what i have seen as far as animal abuse so that they would never want to buy another dog again but instead adopt one.
okay im off my soap box now.
i filled out a 10 page packet about my mental health history today so i could get an appt with a psychiatrist to refill my meds. I have a feeling this is only going to go poorly for me. i hate drudging up the past. i just want to leave it back there.
