One thing that I am certain about when it comes to who I am is that I do not handle change well. I know very little more about who I am but this is a certainty. When I applied for the job at BF I didn't think I would even get an offer. I then got an offer and the rest of my life became just a bunch of anxious waiting for calls. When I got offered the two week evaluation I got so nervous and in the back of my mind i told myself i wouldn't be upset if i didn't get the job because there are other things i can do. Once i got to Kanab i cried myself to sleep the first couple of nights because i was so torn about whether i even wanted the job. I mean move out to the middle of fucking no where??? But i decided i did really want the job and i was excited but now there is so much other drama in my life that its like jfd;lfsfjalfjdaofjsdoifjsdoajfodjajdso
it makes me sad and frustrated how unavailable my parents are. but then again they are making a living and helping me out. so then i just feel guilty. i feel guilty that they have to help me out with my loans. i feel guilty that they have to help me with my car. i feel like a fucking failure.
i also feel like a fucking failure because i have now been single for what seems like a century. it just affirms that people see the bitchy exterior and im not worth looking further into.
people need to stop getting engaged and married. stop having fucking babies. let me catch up.
life is hard and im tired.
