The retail world has turned my already sour-pussness into full blow asshole mode. The first problem is i take everything to heart and so when a customer gets mad it feels as bad as the "parents-are-disappointed" speech. The second problem is people are just rude. Never in my life could i have dreamed up some of the things that have been spewed at me. I would NEVER walk into a store and just take all my stress out on some innocent worker. i will admit that having worked retail i am now nicer x 5 to all of the people that help me when im shopping somewhere, but never once in my past was i beligerent or snide to a worker.
Anyway, my point is that i am now a cynical old bastard that shakes his walking stick in disgust. i don't expect good things from people anymore. In fact, everytime the phone rings i expect to be yelled at. They say that the midwest actually contains the nicest people- if that is the case i dont think my heart could stand to live anywhere else in fear of being completely shattered.
The funny thing is that people always comment on how they like (or dont like) my "i dont give a crap" attitude. The truth is i do give a crap...i give a very big crap in fact! Despite giving a big crap (okay this metephor is getting kind of gross...) i have managed to put up quite the defensive wall in which i have perfected my "dont screw with me" glare and my "dont talk to me" walk... BUUUUUT this is also why i dont have many friends ( or a boyfriend...)
One day i hope that someone will be able to see through this facade and be like "holy shit, she really does give a huge metaphorical crap!" But alas....here i sit on my cynical throne of aloneness.
It doesnt help that i am pretty insecure and get all of my lifes validation through what other assholes think of me.
Sometimes i catch myself daydreaming of what it would be like to live in Washington by myself and whether i could handle being that far away from family or anyone i knew. I wold love to do this but i dont think i could handle it unless i by some miracle sprouted confidence and could make friends. I also wish i could move to England but that would lead to a meltdown for sure because then i would NEVER be able to come back and visit family...unless i married some rich lord or duke or londoner.
so im not really the type to set new years resolutions but i do want to coincidentally start working on things around the same time the calander starts anew...
- i (obviously) want to lose weight and eat better
- i want to wake up just a little bit earlier to do my hair instead of just being lazy.
- i also want to work on going out more....but i dont like going out because im too insecure...its allll connected.
- i want to get into my grad program so i need to get this freaking GRE out of the way
I find myself getting annoyed with overly happy people. I need to take a step back and just be like bro, chill out, they have more endorphins and seratonin than you, just let them be.
I'm glad that i was born deficient. Im also glad that i was born like this in a world that has stigmatized the whole freaking thing. either depression is made out to be a cutsey indie movie or its made out to be a psycho murder/suicide movie.
C'est la vie, mofos.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
ChristmASS SchmismASS
So I'm kind of always a Grinch...pretty much just my nature. But usually the holidays put me in an awesome mood (except at work...because who the hell likes working retail this time of year?!)! So this year I was set to go to Arizona on the 26th and I was so so so excited. I couldn't wait to see my family and I was looking forward to going to some awesome flea markets. But NO. flash forward to me waiting for my flight in the airport only to find out that it's cancelled and they can't get me out of Omaha (to literally ANYWHERE) until Jan. 2nd. Well eff me.
I was so upset. I cried at the desk which was a bit embarrassing. I don't get to see my parents very often and I reallllllly needed them. No one really felt that bad for me and didn't understand why I was so depressed but all of my friends either live with or live near their family so no one has any clue what it's like to not see their parents more than a couple times a year.
I was a Grinch on actual Christmas too. Certain people have been throwing traditions down the toilet without a second thought and it pisses me off. I wish I would have been better at putting on my happy face but I was too annoyed.
I need to move but I'm too freaking poor to pull the trigger on getting a place. So for now I have to settle with being the odd man out at home.
Also, I am now starting to get sick. I hate that. When it starts slowly and it's like an impending doom and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Well the world didn't end ...no Apocalypse...so there's always that...
I was so upset. I cried at the desk which was a bit embarrassing. I don't get to see my parents very often and I reallllllly needed them. No one really felt that bad for me and didn't understand why I was so depressed but all of my friends either live with or live near their family so no one has any clue what it's like to not see their parents more than a couple times a year.
I was a Grinch on actual Christmas too. Certain people have been throwing traditions down the toilet without a second thought and it pisses me off. I wish I would have been better at putting on my happy face but I was too annoyed.
I need to move but I'm too freaking poor to pull the trigger on getting a place. So for now I have to settle with being the odd man out at home.
Also, I am now starting to get sick. I hate that. When it starts slowly and it's like an impending doom and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Well the world didn't end ...no Apocalypse...so there's always that...
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Kunfused
I must say I am not surprised with my lack of updating. I do this with all journals of any kind. I do not like taking the time to write what im feeling or going through. This could be a product of my inability to pinpoint exactly what im feeling or going through...as it changes about every three seconds.
I have decided that if I were to ever write a book it would be "The Ultimate Guide for the Chronically Confused". I am CONSTANTLY confused. Confused by people's actions, reactions, statements, sentiments....lack of sentiment, cognitive capabilities and lack thereof... and for all that I am confused about in other people I'm doubly confused about in myself. I have learned so much about myself lately and its not necessarily things I wanted to know. I'm finding that people think i have "strong" personality. What does that even mean? can it bench 350? My whole life I've tried to be the ultimate people pleaser and somewhere in there I became this little monster of hatred. I need a filter for my face so I can take my foot out of my mouth at some point. I guess what it comes down to is I expect too much from people. I expect them to see the significance of animals and their plight, I expect them to be nice, I expect a friend to call and invite me places, or talk to me when I'm feeling sad or share in my excitement. I expect people to be courteous and kind and grateful when I've helped them out. The thing I'm SLOWLY learning is that "friends" wont always invite you and when they do it will be 30 minutes after the gathering has already started. I expect this because I try my very hardest to do these things for others.
So what would my book contain? I dont know yet...but maybe at the end of my life I can write the book and help those that are struggling with the overall state of things.
I have decided that if I were to ever write a book it would be "The Ultimate Guide for the Chronically Confused". I am CONSTANTLY confused. Confused by people's actions, reactions, statements, sentiments....lack of sentiment, cognitive capabilities and lack thereof... and for all that I am confused about in other people I'm doubly confused about in myself. I have learned so much about myself lately and its not necessarily things I wanted to know. I'm finding that people think i have "strong" personality. What does that even mean? can it bench 350? My whole life I've tried to be the ultimate people pleaser and somewhere in there I became this little monster of hatred. I need a filter for my face so I can take my foot out of my mouth at some point. I guess what it comes down to is I expect too much from people. I expect them to see the significance of animals and their plight, I expect them to be nice, I expect a friend to call and invite me places, or talk to me when I'm feeling sad or share in my excitement. I expect people to be courteous and kind and grateful when I've helped them out. The thing I'm SLOWLY learning is that "friends" wont always invite you and when they do it will be 30 minutes after the gathering has already started. I expect this because I try my very hardest to do these things for others.
So what would my book contain? I dont know yet...but maybe at the end of my life I can write the book and help those that are struggling with the overall state of things.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Organized Chaos...
I now put my belt buckle in one hole tighter. This could be a good sign.
I have only lost about 11-12 pounds but my jeans are looser so this is nice.
I have also been receiving some compliments on how good I look, which is motivating.
So right now, I am not struggling with the motivation issue, as I am willing to go to the gym every day I can (5 times a week usually because I work on weekends) and my eating has been maintained, so the real issue is the intensity of my workout. My body is getting used to my workouts (even though I do switch them up a bit) so I need to be inventive, and inventive, I am not. Thus, I am not losing weight. crap.
I would really like to get a personal trainer, anyone want to train me for free?
The icing on top of this fabulous situation is that school is hard and I am struggling with that as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't struggle with multiple things at once, well. I am not good at balancing acts, I don't balance, I actually excel in my ability to NOT balance. Its a true art form to have ones life in such organized chaos. I mean, have you seen my room? one look and you'd think its messy, but I can tell you exactly where everything is.
but I digress..
I need to study and then hit the gym, so wish me luck!
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
I have only lost about 11-12 pounds but my jeans are looser so this is nice.
I have also been receiving some compliments on how good I look, which is motivating.
So right now, I am not struggling with the motivation issue, as I am willing to go to the gym every day I can (5 times a week usually because I work on weekends) and my eating has been maintained, so the real issue is the intensity of my workout. My body is getting used to my workouts (even though I do switch them up a bit) so I need to be inventive, and inventive, I am not. Thus, I am not losing weight. crap.
I would really like to get a personal trainer, anyone want to train me for free?
The icing on top of this fabulous situation is that school is hard and I am struggling with that as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't struggle with multiple things at once, well. I am not good at balancing acts, I don't balance, I actually excel in my ability to NOT balance. Its a true art form to have ones life in such organized chaos. I mean, have you seen my room? one look and you'd think its messy, but I can tell you exactly where everything is.
but I digress..
I need to study and then hit the gym, so wish me luck!
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Big Ten
Nope sorry, no football talk here.
So I have officially lost 10 pounds. while I should be excited, I am only mildly entertained by this. I should have lost these ten pounds last month! its been 2 months now and that's all I've lost. I don't know what the deal is. I'm torturing myself for almost nothing, I mean at this rate I'll lose my goal weight of 50 pounds MAYBE by the time I'm 50 years old! I have a feeling its because I'm not varying my workouts enough so Joslyn and I are going to check out Prairie Life Fitness down the street to see how cheap they are and what they got going on as far as classes. I think fitness classes will help keep my body guessing and maybe actually force results.
My eating isn't PERFECT but its still 5000 times better than it was. I am now packing lunches and I still havent been to fast food! I did go out for Old Chicago the other night which wasn't good but at least I'm working out now as opposed to eating it and not working out...
other than that I've actually been in a pretty good mood the last couple days. Probably due to the perfect weather and some good new music, but there is always that little voice in the back of my head "don't get used to it, something bad is going to happen soon..." Ialways have this sense of impending doom...
but at least my road block has only pushed me harder instead of making me want to give up...so theres that...
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
So I have officially lost 10 pounds. while I should be excited, I am only mildly entertained by this. I should have lost these ten pounds last month! its been 2 months now and that's all I've lost. I don't know what the deal is. I'm torturing myself for almost nothing, I mean at this rate I'll lose my goal weight of 50 pounds MAYBE by the time I'm 50 years old! I have a feeling its because I'm not varying my workouts enough so Joslyn and I are going to check out Prairie Life Fitness down the street to see how cheap they are and what they got going on as far as classes. I think fitness classes will help keep my body guessing and maybe actually force results.
My eating isn't PERFECT but its still 5000 times better than it was. I am now packing lunches and I still havent been to fast food! I did go out for Old Chicago the other night which wasn't good but at least I'm working out now as opposed to eating it and not working out...
other than that I've actually been in a pretty good mood the last couple days. Probably due to the perfect weather and some good new music, but there is always that little voice in the back of my head "don't get used to it, something bad is going to happen soon..." Ialways have this sense of impending doom...
but at least my road block has only pushed me harder instead of making me want to give up...so theres that...
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's Like Monopoly but you can't quit when it gets boring nor when you lose all your money....
Feeling pretty damn frustrated right now.
This car thing is overwhelming, and most of it I didn't bring upon myself so I feel cheated. Apparently when you get in a car accident that wasn't at all your fault, the police still file it as your fault. They are probably in cahoots with the insurance agencies to get more money.
Anyway, Tiffany got me this book " If Life is a Game...These are the Rules". The book provides the "Ten Rules of Being Human" and I cant even succeed at Rule One "You Will Receive a Body", well shit. If I cant be successful in finding a way to appreciate this vessel I have been given, then how can I continue on with the other nine rules? I cant even fathom a way to comprehend Rule One let alone accomplish the transformation "from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."
This author makes money selling information that people should inherently know! I mean, we KNOW this, but no one can ACT on this. I mean my god, even if this was pseudoscience-pseudo-psychology bullshit, it totally called me out on this one. I mean the chapter should be illustrated with my flipping PICTURE. See Jaime run. See Jaime not accept her body and in so doing cause a chasm between her and all of those around her that will affect the way she lives and ultimately cause her self worth to plummet to an astounding low, in which she further alienates herself by being so fundamentally different than those around her (i.e people who have bumper stickers on their computer that read "Beef: its whats for dinner").
without a solid foundation, the house will crumble. well mine is MOLDING by this point. something has to change.
Did you catch the part of the quote above that said " THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BODY IS THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL AND IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFETIME" ?
ooo dear god. I'm in for a long haul.
I'm going to write my own damn book "If Life is a game...This is how you Cheat and Scrape By with Minimal Satisfaction"
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
This car thing is overwhelming, and most of it I didn't bring upon myself so I feel cheated. Apparently when you get in a car accident that wasn't at all your fault, the police still file it as your fault. They are probably in cahoots with the insurance agencies to get more money.
Anyway, Tiffany got me this book " If Life is a Game...These are the Rules". The book provides the "Ten Rules of Being Human" and I cant even succeed at Rule One "You Will Receive a Body", well shit. If I cant be successful in finding a way to appreciate this vessel I have been given, then how can I continue on with the other nine rules? I cant even fathom a way to comprehend Rule One let alone accomplish the transformation "from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built."
This author makes money selling information that people should inherently know! I mean, we KNOW this, but no one can ACT on this. I mean my god, even if this was pseudoscience-pseudo-psychology bullshit, it totally called me out on this one. I mean the chapter should be illustrated with my flipping PICTURE. See Jaime run. See Jaime not accept her body and in so doing cause a chasm between her and all of those around her that will affect the way she lives and ultimately cause her self worth to plummet to an astounding low, in which she further alienates herself by being so fundamentally different than those around her (i.e people who have bumper stickers on their computer that read "Beef: its whats for dinner").
without a solid foundation, the house will crumble. well mine is MOLDING by this point. something has to change.
Did you catch the part of the quote above that said " THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BODY IS THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL AND IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFETIME" ?
ooo dear god. I'm in for a long haul.
I'm going to write my own damn book "If Life is a game...This is how you Cheat and Scrape By with Minimal Satisfaction"
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
Monday, February 7, 2011
Static-x
weekends are the bane of my existence.
I was unable to work out friday, saturday and sunday. This makes for an unproductive week.
I am static. I am stationary. I am stagnant.
I have not lost or gained anything this past week so I am not feeling too good about my situation.
That being said, I have gotten myself into some interesting social situations, and dug trenches that are deep and its raining so my running away is inhibited.
Besides, there is cause to celebrate...the witch is gone off into Lord of the Rings land to do some elves and whatever mythical creatures she fantasizes about. so I'm free to roam! and roam I shall!!!
nothing else to report. so I apologize for the boring blog, but it is indicative of my life so there you have it...my life in a nutshell.
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
I was unable to work out friday, saturday and sunday. This makes for an unproductive week.
I am static. I am stationary. I am stagnant.
I have not lost or gained anything this past week so I am not feeling too good about my situation.
That being said, I have gotten myself into some interesting social situations, and dug trenches that are deep and its raining so my running away is inhibited.
Besides, there is cause to celebrate...the witch is gone off into Lord of the Rings land to do some elves and whatever mythical creatures she fantasizes about. so I'm free to roam! and roam I shall!!!
nothing else to report. so I apologize for the boring blog, but it is indicative of my life so there you have it...my life in a nutshell.
J F C,
Mrs. Pattinson
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